Psychologists provide advice on how to talk to kids about war
In a media-saturated world, it can be difficult to shield children from the most traumatic information. With a war raging in Ukraine and updates on the nightly news, parents face the challenge of helping children cope with an onslaught of information and commentary.
The first question a parent may ask their therapist is whether to talk about violence in the world at all. Parents may want to shield their kids from bad news. But experts agree that while wars, wildfires, and health scares are not new to the human condition, the prevalence of these topics being discussed on social media means that children are most likely being exposed to them.
“Parents may be looking to protect their child and so they will say, ‘I am not going to bring this up. I don’t want to worry my kid,'” said Dawn Huebner, Ph.D, an Exeter, NH-based clinical psychologist and author who specializes in children and anxiety. “But if a child is likely to hear about something in school or from listening to adults or to see something on tv or a newspaper headline, it is good for parents to preemptively have these conversations with their children. It can be an opportunity to work with kids on resilience, on coping and on problem-solving.”
In her practice, she advises parents to wait until they can talk about a situation calmly, taking the time to process their own fear, anger, or frustration before checking in with a child. Then, start with a few gentle questions, seeing what a child is aware of and what concerns they may have.
“It’s a chance to correct any misconceptions and to get a starting point to talking with them,” she said.
How a parent should move forward, how much information to share or what types of conversations follow depend largely on the developmental age of the child. Reassure them, first, that they are not in immediate danger themselves, if that is the case. Turn off the television to avoid exposure to graphic imagery. Even for older children or teens, a visual depiction of the horrors of war or other tragedies can have a profound effect.
Archana Basu, Ph.D., is a psychologist in the Massachusetts General Hospital Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department.
“Preteens and certainly teenaged adolescents have access to information much like adults do,” said Archana Basu, Ph.D., a psychologist in the Massachusetts General Hospital Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department, “and while they are cognitively able to process like an adult, emotionally there is still a need for support.”
Remind parents that there are no hard and fast rules. What one child can take in and process may overwhelm another.
“Thinking about where the child is will guide them,” said Basu, “with how much detail and the ways in which they explore this with their children.”
Other factors as well may play a part including a family’s understanding of the situation, their own past experiences with trauma, or cultural or religious foundations.
“Families vary a lot in their own parenting philosophies or communication style” said Basu. “There may be some factors relating to their own personality differences or history of mental health or a family’s cultural background.”
When a parent asks why it is important to have these conversations, remind them, said Huebner, that this can be an opportunity for teaching children about their values as a family.
“It is important for parents to talk to kids about how, even if we are safe, there are reasons we care about these kinds of things,” she said. “Help kids to understand that we are global citizens and we care about people different from us, people in other parts of the world.”
Developing an understanding as a family about how to view the world and, then, what to do about it, can support a child’s growth and help to lessen anxiety and discomfort about their own safety and sense of well-being. From writing a card to a refugee family to raising funds through a bake sale, taking steps to be a part of the solution helps mitigate feelings of hopelessness.
“One of the best antidotes to feeling afraid is taking positive action even if that action is relatively small,” said Huebner, “It shifts kids’ thinking away from feeling distress to thinking about the good they are doing.”